Big Ol' Dose of Feeling Sorry For Myself

"Nobody knows the trouble I've seen...
 Nobody knows my sorrow..."  (sung in a baritone voice of course!)

Yep, got a big ol' dose of feeling sorry for myself tonight.  I should be feeling thankful that I've not been sick all that much over the past five months considering how run down I am but all I am feeling is frustration.  How much does it suck that I cannot see my child?  On our return to the Dr (a different one this time) I am notified that not only do both boys have bronchitis but Ry has ear infections and T has a sinus infection.  I, myself, am on my way to pneumonia.  WTH?!  Is that NOT what I told the Dr that we had (because I have my medical degree now...) last week?!  The Dr says, "what antibiotics were you guys put on last week?"...uh, none!  So much for it being viral!  I'm all for being cautious but I explained to the Dr last week that I've got a child in hospital and that I cannot be sick!  ARGH!  Of course when my Father-in-law went in for his visit today he got told it looks like strep throat for him...where did that come from?!  So we are all riding the Amoxocillin train in my house, well all but Michael who is strictly in denial that is (said lovingly of course).

I HAD to see Mr.B Weds night, he was out of sleepers and I was out of bottles.  I couldn't in all good consciousness NOT see him if I had to go up.  So I took Wade with me and we both masked up and when I walked into his room he was being cuddled by a volunteer.  It is heartwarming that he is getting love and attention but I would be a big fat liar if I didn't say I was jealous!  She said, "oh, are you family?".  Yes, I'm his Mommy Dammit!!!  She was so surprised that I came all the way up just to give him clean sleepers so he didn't have to wear the hospital ones.  Making him comfy is the ONLY thing I can do right now.  I did get to give his back a little rub and touched his head before gunning it out of there.  I am HOPING now that I've been on the antibitoics for over 24 hrs that I'll feel better tomorrow but it was more than a little disconcerting that I felt worse this morning, not better.  Poor ME!!  (even I'm getting a little sick of myself now!)

The wonderful, yet painfully heart wrentching, thing is that Braeden has had a wonderful week mostly with nurses that know him well.  His nurse Deb (who we love) told me the other day that he'd had the best day she's ever seen him have.  He's been happy, playful and having long 'alert' periods.  Great eh?  Why is it he's not missing me?!  (don't worry, laughing at myself as I type it).  Poor Deb felt bad for telling me but on the other hand if he'd been having a rough time of it then it would surely be worse to hear knowing that I can't/couldn't do a damn thing about it.  He's certainly been well cuddled this week and loved thanks to his volunteers!

So what was supposed to be a productive Spring Break week for me with having Wade fly out for it has turned into a week of me feeling sorry for myself instead.  Well that and caring for two very sick little boys at home.  We will hopefully get to the multi-disciplinary meeting next week (cancelled due to my illness) and I've rescheduled my FSCD meeting for Monday as well.  Fingers crossed that the antibiotics do their job and that I can finally get my fix with my little man, and not have to survive on smelling his blankets that I brought home to wash (yes, I know I might have a problem). 

Aren't you glad that you don't live with this hormone train running on empty?!