Eyes Wide Open

Sometimes in life I love it when a Serendipitous Moment sneaks up on you and opens your eyes even wider.  I've had a LOT of these moments since B was born (actually starting near the end of my pregnancy, and by moments I mostly mean people who have entered my life in this journey that I have been SO blessed to meet) but today I was in a baking frenzy for Mr.B's Birthday Open House (Sun, Nov. 11th) and put on an old album that is one of my all time favourites, Natalie Merchant's "Tiger Lily" (it always reminds me of my friend Jen W who introduced me to the album and who I only get to see every few years).  I was happily in my baking mode when the song "Wonder" came on.  I was singing along to it as it is one of my favourites (who am I kidding I sing to the whole album!) and I burst into tears.  This song has always struck a chord with me and today I realized why, it was like it was written for a little soul like B...Mr.B the "Wonder" Boy (or girl in her song)! 

"Wonder"

Doctors have come from distant cities
Just to see me
Stand over my bed
Disbelieving what they're seeing

They say I must be one of the wonders
Of god's own creation
And as far as they can see they can offer
No explanation

Newspapers ask intimate questions
Want confessions
They reach into my head
To steal the glory of my story

They say I must be one of the wonders
Of god's own creation
And as far as they can see they can offer
No explanation

O, I believe
Fate smiled and destiny
Laughed as she came to my cradle
Know this child will be able
Laughed as my body she lifted
Know this child will be gifted
With love, with patience and with faith
She'll make her way

People see me
I'm a challenge to your balance
I'm over your heads
How I confound you and astound you
To know I must be one of the wonders
Of god's own creation
And as far as you can see you can offer me
No explanation

O, I believe
Fate smiled and destiny
Laughed as she came to my cradle
Know this child will be able
Laughed as she came to my mother
Know this child will not suffer
Laughed as my body she lifted
Know this child will be gifted
With love, with patience and with faith
She'll make her way

It's been an emotional few days, counting down to Mr.B's FIRST BIRTHDAY (thought I'd just yell it again!!).  He's been home now since Weds but it's been a roller coaster because he started to cough not even 24 hrs after being home.  I am keeping a very close eye on him (ie: no sleep) to make sure it isn't progressing into anything else.  He's 'off' but not getting worse so I am just biding our time at home and crossing and re-crossing my fingers for a healthy week ahead.  I am also pretty sure he is finally cutting his first tooth (or who knows, he could cut 6 at once!) as he is stuffing anything and everything in his mouth.  For a kid with a strong oral aversion this is quite the feat to see!  The day we came home (Weds) B slept a whole 10 mins for the first 12 hrs he was SO excited to be home and be with his brothers.  It brings such tears to my eyes to see my children under one roof together and enjoying each other to the utmost.  They all have such love for one another, they are all such amazing and loving little souls.  I couldn't count how many times Ry said to me today, "it's just too much Mom, he's just toooo cute!" and "we have the sweetest baby don't we Mom?", not to mention fussy over who's turn it was to hold B on his lap.

I've also spent a good deal of time in the past few days reminiscing and re-living parts of the past year and it struck me the other day what it is about B that draws people to him.  Mr.B has his eyes wide open to his soul for anyone he meets, he will let anyone in and love anyone who happens his way.  People that get a chance to meet him don't easily forget him (I am told).  I went into the NICU after we were discharged last week to leave a note for the Staff to let them know about B's Open House and the Dr that happened to be on was Dr.Amin, the Neonatologist that saved B's life the first time.  Dr.Amin was so pleased to see him almost a year later and you could see that he was moved as B is one case that a lot of Dr's will remember I'm sure.  Going back into the NICU almost a year later feels so good, freeing in many ways (although it is firmly attached to the PICU so it's not like I've not spent some time close by!). 

Another interesting moment was at the Pediatrician's office the other day, there were two other Mom's there in the waiting room when I got there and one of them had an absolute peanut.  She was holding her 5lb baby girl over her heart and it took my breath away that B was smaller than that when he was born (didn't seem possible) and to see him now at a small but healthy 17 lbs.  The other Mom had a little girl as well that was just a bit older than B, walking everywhere.  Through our conversation (as only Mom's in a room will do I think) we realized that we all had our babies at 32 weeks and here we all were at different stages with different medical needs yet joined in this journey.  The Mom of the peanut was fragile and shaken still so new in her journey and she had tears in her eyes as she left, thanking us for sharing with her.  Now we didn't go into any major stories, it was just enough to see two other 32 weekers there and bigger, healthier (little ironic smile) and happy.  Right place, right time?  It isn't the first time I've met someone in that office at the same time as me that we've found a touch of kinship through our hardship, in fact Dr.Cassie (the wonderful) has even introduced me to other Mom's in her waiting room saying we should talk, that I could share and help her in her journey too.  Of course this was the same Paediatrician that when we saw her a week after T had been diagnosed with Autism sat with an open mouth as I told her what I had done in the week since seeing her.  I asked her if I was missing something (mid speech of telling her what I had researched and set up for T) and she just said she was wondering when I was going to be in denial!  Denial?  Everything I had read about Autism in that week had told me we needed early intervention, I had no time for denial!!!  I guess that conversation gave her the insight that I will move mountains for my children if need be. (I think I am getting off topic...)

We did get to have our interview with the Rotary Flames House for the Palliative Respite Care last week.  My Mom joined me for the interview and we were both impressed and moved.  It is a fantastic place, set up very much like Ronald MacDonald House but with the 'medical' side to it.  For those of you that have followed from the beginning you'll remember what an impression the RMH made on my whole family (T still asks when we get to go back).  I got a great vibe from the moment we walked in till the moment we left.  It is funny now when I think back to a few months ago when I all but feared that house as I drove by it every day going to see B.  I was terrified to think that we might have to be inside it one day and now I can't wait!  It is encouraged that you stay at least for the first night with your child when they are first attending and it is even more encouraged that we all go.  I love that and I love that the boys will know the House, the Staff and know where B is if and when we need to utilize the services.  As terrifying as this road is, there really are many wonderful side effects to it all.

What I've also discovered is that I still have so many people to properly thank and yet I hope that you all know who you are and how in debt I am to you.  I had the best of intentions of sending thank you cards and such to the Nurses from the Foothills Maternity (4th and 5th floor), the PostPartum, FMH NICU, Stollery NICU, ACH NICU, PICU, Unit 2 etc...it just never happened.  Please know for those of you keeping with the story that you touched my/our lives in ways that saying 'thank you' doesn't even cut it.  I know that a proper thank you would have gone a long way as you are never thanked enough for all that you do every day, for that I am sorry!  The same goes to all of you that have gifted us with your time, your shoulder, your patience and your presence (and presents)!  Those thank you cards may never get sent, but please know that doesn't mean I don't appreciate every one of you and everything you've done for us.

Many days and for so many reasons, my children leave me inspired, invigorated and encouraged...gotta go find my next mountain (before Braeden hand delivers it)!


Please join us in Celebration of B's First Year on Saturday at Canadian Blood Services (737-13th Ave) from 9-11am for our next Blood Drive AND on Sunday, Nov 11th at our house for a casual Open House from 1pm-5pm.  (Please send me an email for the address if you don't already have it)