Reality can be a bitch

Day 11:

I'm not sure to say accurately if this is our worst day in yet or not as the first day was a pretty big cake topper.  I went for my routine scan this morning to find out that Baby isn't doing well and has in fact gained more fluid in his abdomen.  I also got the shock to learn that while she had me on the doppler his heart actually stopped beating momentarily and he went into a short 'tachy' episode.  I was sent back down to my room by the Radiologist and was informed not to eat or drink until she had consulted with the rest of the team.

Needless to say my short walk back to my room seemed to go on for awhile but it could also be due to the fact that my vision was a touch blurry on the walk.  I came back, called my poor, already over-stressed husband and got into the shower with the thought that baby was indeed arriving shortly.

After consulting with the baby Cardiologist and the Neonatologist they decided as a team that they were going to buy one more day if they could.  They raised my drug levels (baby's heart meds) and are trying to see by tomorrow morning if there is a difference.  IF there is a difference in terms of more fluid, surgery is tomorrow.  If there is no difference then comes the balancing act on whether or not to buy one more day.  If there is a lower level of fluid then again comes the task of is baby better off in or am I under too much stress/fluid/drugs to keep him there.  Bottom line is we are just trying to buy days now or even hours at this point and I was told that my goal of getting to 34 weeks is most likely not going to happen.

There is SO much the Dr's know but there is also SO much they don't and can't predict.  What we do know is that we've managed to buy 11 full days thus far and that in and of itself is great.

Mike and I met with the Cardiologist first and she answered all 300 of my questions the best she could and then we met with the Neonatologist.  The Neonate is great, I actually like him more than the one we met the first night, but it could also be due to the fact that I was getting trussed up for surgery when we met with the first one.  The Neonate took us through step by step the interventions that will be done upon baby coming out and what they will do to try and stabilize him.  What he can't do, (and yes I realize no one can), is tell me that he'll survive.  Because we've made it to 32 weeks and because we are 'pretty' sure we know the underlying issue with the heart we are sitting at a better than 50% survival rate.  Yes, better than 50%, which leaves one HELL of a lot of room.  I would like to find a positive spin on that one, but I am fresh o-u-t.

The positives are that we are 1) as prepared as we can be for what needs to happen upon arrival, 2) we have an entire team of Dr's working together to make the best outcome possible, and 3) we are in the best hospital to make it happen.

I am no where near ready to hear from anyone that 'everything will be fine' as this is my unborn child's life in the air.  What I can grab a hold of and believe is the power of positive thoughts and energy that you can send our way.  The support we've received already is overwhelming, and I thank you for that.  Thank you for keeping us in your thoughts, it means a great deal to me.

So I'm off to sleep (such as it is) with the unknown hanging in the balance seemingly more so now.  Tomorrow will bring what it may and we will meet it and do what is required. I am just hoping to wake with a wee bit more positivity than I was able to pull off today.