Tuesday, 11 June 2013

A Rough Momma Day

It's been a rough day.  Mr.B's had a great day, 90% back to himself but a rough day for his Momma.

Playtime with Momma on the floor
I've had a day of tears and frustration, just a day of emotion and life catching up with me.  I got home around 11pm last night and T was still awake when I went in to check on him.  He was asking about when B was going to come home and why Mommy isn't home (again).  I explained again that Mr.B would be in hospital a bit longer and that Mom had to be with him so he's not lonely.  We chatted for a bit and I was thinking how great it's been going and so happy that the boys are starting to understand.  I kissed him good night and then was oh-so-proud of myself because I took a sleeping pill and put myself to bed (before midnight!!).

These darn cords!
Mike and I were chatting in the dark before drifting off when Torin came in to tell me he couldn't sleep.  He was SO sad and upset about B being in the hospital and kept saying how much he misses me.  Here I was thinking I was holding it all together so well, my juggling act of life!  He begged me to sleep with me but there is no room for my big 8 yr old in my bed and I was too far into my sleeping pill to even take him back to his bed.  Michael took him and tucked him in but I drifted off to sleep with a very heavy and sad heart.

Find the Baby!  Little Turkey!
I know the boys are affected but all of this, how could they not be.  I also know that Ry is just as affected as T, he just doesn't show it outwardly as much.  I had to wake the boys up (and by wake I mean drag them out of bed) this morning (again) and they were both dragging their butts.  It is taking a toll on all of us it seems.  I took them to school and when I was dropping them off I explained that Mom probably wouldn't be picking them up again today to which T started to cry again.  I reassured him as best as I could and sent him off to class.  After chatting with a friend I realized that I'd left this morning and had forgotten (again) to feed my 16 yr old diabetic cat and give him his insulin.  Needless to say I drove back home crying the whole way feeling like a failure as a Mom and an animal 'Mom'. 

Kinda stuck here...
Now I know, you're all going to say that I'm too hard on myself, that I can't do it all but I want to be able to.  I want to believe that I really can!  I called Mike to ask how his day was going to play out, to whether or not he'd be there to pick up the boys or if they needed to go to a friend's house.  He calmly (since I promptly burst into tears) told me (again) that I need to find balance in life and that the other two boys need me just as much as B.  I know he's right (shh, don't tell him) but it's also not that easy for me.  I can at least explain to the big boys why Mom isn't there and I can't do that for B.  When I come in in the morning B cries and wails at me as soon as he sees me (I've gone home the last few nights to try to sleep).  He knows I've not been there and he's mad!  I can't tell him his brothers need routine and their Momma too.  I can't say that I'm only with him 12-14 hrs a day because I need to get some sleep and care for myself a bit.  All I can do is scoop him up and apologize for being gone so long and cover him in kisses.  (All of this is the reason I was so hesitant to bring him in to be admitted until we really truly needed to)

People always ask me how I hold it all together but when I have days like today it is a painful reminder that I am only human and only one Momma, not three.

I'm not beating myself up, I know I am doing all that I can and I know that my kids are kind, well-adjusted kiddos but it is simply hard.  Life is hard and days like today just make it seem so much harder.  So you see, I'm not so 'strong' as people tell me, I'm just me.  I'm a Momma with limitations, who's tired just like you.

I love this shot, how he's looking up at Nurse Allison
(who came for a little visit)
Thank you so much to Gina for feeding the boys tonight and to Nurse Allison for dropping off a 'pick-me-up treat' for me.

On the positive (the hugely positive) is B is tolerating a blend of 50% formula and 50% pedialyte with no retching thus far.  The hope is for a release as soon as Saturday assuming we get the feeds back to full feeds and on a decent, liveable schedule for me.  He is back to himself today really and I now see how 'not well' he was.  He's lost weight, is grumpy at being trapped here and is bored but through it all in true Mr.B fashion he smiles, laughs and makes those around him and life just a happier place to be.

This is a link I came across on FB today.  Take a second to watch it, this is an amazing woman doing something even more amazing for Little Superheros (and their families)!  Click Here!

From Our Home (Hospital Room) to Yours...

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